Dating is a rough sport. A friend recently likened it to donning gladiatorial armor and stepping out into the arena. By that rationale, I suggested, the ability to spot an emotionally unavailable partner before the first drink is downed will save you countless hours and untold misery. The thought came back into my mind as I was listening to Taylor’s TTPD, an album all about compulsive attraction to partners who are unwilling or unable to reciprocate the emotional investment. Let’s briefly explore five key indicators of emotional unavailability and leverage Taylor’s experiences for the greater good.
So what do we mean when we describe someone as emotionally unavailable? Generally we mean that they display ambivalence and inconsistencies, in their words or actions (or both) in how they feel about their relationship with you. They may send conflicting signals, from extreme enthusiasm and interest in your life, to avoidance (and back), or they may be physically present with you while being continually distracted, guarded or shut down. To make things even more complicated, some emotionally unavailable individuals dial up their interest and enthusiasm when they sense a date or partner is withdrawing from them, a characteristic described by therapists as an avoidant attachment style. They may or may not be aware they are doing this, but you are likely to sense a pattern of inconsistencies in how they show up. Here are some of the more common behavioral patterns to look for to help you figure this out:
· Inconsistent Communication: One of the most significant signs of emotional unavailability is inconsistent communication. If your date sometimes goes silent, takes a long time to respond to messages, or seems disinterested in meaningful conversation, it may indicate that they struggle with connecting on a deeper emotional level. Emotionally unavailable individuals often find it challenging to express their feelings, leaving you feeling disconnected and unsure about their true intentions.
· Avoidance of Vulnerability: Emotionally unavailable individuals tend to avoid vulnerability at all costs. They may steer clear of discussions about their emotions, past hurt & rejections, deepest hopes, and dreams (other than material or career goals), thereby creating a superficial connection. If your date persistently deflects discussions about their feelings, it could be a red flag for emotional unavailability.
· Difficulty Establishing and Maintaining Boundaries: Emotionally unavailable individuals often struggle with setting and respecting boundaries. If your date seems either overly guarded or excessively clingy, it may indicate a lack of understanding or willingness to establish healthy boundaries. This can lead to a dynamic where your emotional needs are not met, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and frustrated. I worked with a client whose partner travelled outside of NYC for substantial periods for work with little notice, only to come back to town with a tendency to love bomb them for short periods before disappearing again. I was reminded of the words of pioneering psychoanalyst Carl Jung, “we are what we do, not what we say”.
· Limited Emotional Expression: Emotionally unavailable individuals often struggle to express their emotions openly. They may appear stoic, detached, or unresponsive to situations that typically evoke emotional responses. If your date consistently appears uninterested in discussing feelings or avoids expressing joy, sadness, or vulnerability, it could be a sign of emotional unavailability. This can also manifest as a tendency to keep the spotlight off their emotions, by keeping the spotlight firmly focused on you. Initially, this feels gratifying and suggests we are talking to someone who genuinely cares for us, but beware if this is a one-sided experience, if there is an absence of emotional expression on the part of your date.
· Prioritizing Independence Over Connection: Emotionally unavailable individuals often prioritize their independence to an extent that it hinders the development of a deep emotional connection. If your date consistently puts their personal needs, goals, and activities ahead of building a shared connection, it may signal a reluctance to invest emotionally in the relationship.
If the above list resonates with your experiences, one point to further consider is whether you experience a pattern of these relationships. If so, you may be unconsciously attracted to partners who fit this profile. We often work with clients in therapy whose attachment style attracts them to emotionally unavailable partners. There are lots of reasons for this, best explored in another blog, but it is useful to be aware of patterns of attraction because dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner can damage your trust in your own judgment and your sense of agency and control. The experience is similar to being gaslit, you may ask yourself, “am I crazy here?”.
Finally, if you’ve tried all these suggestions and you’re still getting sucked in, sit down and listen to Taylor Swift’s brilliant song from TTPD – I can fix him (no really I can), about that seductive urge to overlook a million red flags and take it on a charming fixer upper “A perfect case for my certain skillset / He had a halo of the highest grade”. Actually, come to think of it, most of the songs on TTPD are recommended listening if you find yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable or ill-advised partners; the line “My spine split from carrying us up the hill” is as neat a summary of the impact of these relationships as you are likely to come across (try also - But Daddy I love him!). I defer to the superior knowledge of the Swifties, but to my mind these songs collectively express the stages of grief around patterns of attraction to emotionally unavailable partners, and the doomed relationships that follow. I think (hope) the lesson from many of these songs is that trying to change an emotionally unavailable partner is like trying to teach a cat to fetch, you might end up with scratches, and they're still not bringing that availability to the table!
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