I’m always intrigued to walk through the Pop Psychology section of the few remaining bookstores in New York City. It’s a snapshot of the zeitgeist, of what’s on our collective minds at any given time. At the moment it seems like we are focused on healthy habits, letting go of the past and controlling our minds. That’s all very well, but a friend recently reminded me that the snapshot is limited by what sells books, rather than what is most important to our collective mental health. Fair point, and it got me thinking about the most significant area that Pop Psychology tends to ignore, the epidemic of loneliness.
The desire to have meaningful, enriching human contact is a common theme across many aspects of therapeutic work, and is one of the most fundamental drivers of the human race.Â
Yet research suggests that the epidemic of loneliness that started in the pandemic, continues to impact us well into the post-pandemic world, particularly impacting certain populations like young adult men. There are lots of influencing factors including the impact of social media (also should come with a public health warning), increasingly transient careers, loss of community institutions and intergenerational family issues. Regardless of the causes, the fact remains that 50% of Americans experience loneliness at any given time. That’s the bad news. The good news is that research is piling up that we thrive when we feel connected to our fellow human beings, we feel fulfilled and energized when we feel part of a community.
We humans are highly social animals. Unlike most species, our brains at birth remain almost entirely dependent on our care givers for all our physical and emotional needs. This dependency highlights the depth of the bond between the infant and carers and helps explain why parents and carers have such a profound influence on us, after all it literally is life and death for the infant. This dependency also forces us into social groups, driven by the evolutionary need to feel protected as part of the herd.Â
An interesting point that is emerging from the research is that individual mental health and wellbeing is also a community act. Neuroscience research shares insights into the how the brains of mothers and pre-verbal infants fire up simultaneously in highly specific ways when they are in loving communication with one another. This fused consciousness supports healthy brain growth in an infant, particularly around regulating emotional needs and forming relationships with others.Â
More recently, experiments around brain simulations on therapists and clients during therapy sessions show a simultaneous and reflective firing of these synapsis in adult brains. This suggests that a person’s ability to access, recognize and process emotions in therapy is correlated to the extent to which the therapist is ‘in sync’ with their experiences. This is significant because the parts of the brain in question, the Right Temporoparietal Junction, play a significant role in both emotional regulation and the experience of positive emotions in adults (Trevarthen, Schore).Â
This research suggests that when we are mindfully and supportively present with another human being, our respective brains experience positive, healing and growth-oriented emotions, that don’t happen in isolation. So when we get right down to the healthy functioning of our brains in life is more of a community event than our culture would lead us to believe.Â
This is all fine to say, but there are some obstacles we all face when trying to connect with others. We live in an individualistic culture, with strong focuses on individual achievement, constant drives to achieve goals and targets, and an undercurrent of competitiveness, can make it difficult to acknowledge that we all thrive together. Archetypes of self-reliance in American culture, particularly around masculine archetypes, don’t help either. In reality, the Marlboro man was probably dealing with more health issues from his stoic solitary existence, than from the cigarettes he was selling. Â
The experience of loneliness & isolation, the drive to connect and the blockers to doing so are highly personal factors, unique to each one of us. These experiences can also rewire the chemistry of the brain so that it becomes increasingly challenging for a person suffering these conditions to strive to make social connections, because the experience itself induces shame and becomes self-paralyzing. The range of factors that can create or influence the experience of loneliness and isolation include family and inter-generational factors, our approach towards attaching and building relationships with others, other emotions that we may be carrying like anxiety or depression, or prior relationship experiences that may have made it difficult for us to trust. The list is endless, and the paths through it are many and varied.Â
That said, here are a few tips that we can take from the neuroscience and psychology on ways to foster connections in our lives:
Start small: Modest, short social interactions (like a hello in the elevator or asking a neighbor how they are doing) can create a positive sense of connection, especially if it includes eye contact and positive physical stimulus like a smile. There may be some discomfort in this, especially if it is a new habit, but it can be practiced just about anywhere. Just look upon each interaction as practice;
Limit exposure to loneliness enhancing pursuits, particularly social media. Social media is a tricky one because it can facilitate connections, such as reconnecting with old friends and colleagues. The objective here is to translate connections from social media into real emotional contact (and that can be in writing, over video link or in person). Avoid doom scrolling through feeds of peers that seem to be having wonderful lives. It is all heavily curated, and leaves the consumer with lower self-esteem and increased isolation;
Develop community: explore what kind organization or grouping that might interest us, or in the early stages, that we could tolerate. Again, start small here. An exercise class, or a community meeting might be a useful place to start.  It is important to monitor our emotions in these environments, as they provide useful clues as to how we can derail ourselves in our attempts to connect with others.
Volunteering in any capacity is highly effective in improving mental health, not least because it shifts focus from the internally focused thoughts of loneliness/isolation, but also because it facilitates connections in a structured environment with a shared goal.
Review network of existing friends and family & explore ways to increase our feelings of support through our existing networks. Assertiveness skills, which give us the basis to confidently share our experiences and ask for what we need from others, can be very useful here. This work can also involve reflecting on how we can support the needs of those around us, as reciprocity deepens trust and creates more fulfilling relationships.
Reflecting on how we create and pursue relationships with others, and exploring the patterns and blockers we tend to face, can be helpful here in giving us the insights to let go of old behaviors that no longer serve us well, and seek out new paths. Â
Of course, a short blog post can barely touch the sides of an issue as complex as this, and the suggestions above should be adapted to individual needs and circumstances. Similarly, we don’t have scope to explore the emotional and spiritual growth that can happen alongside the experience of loneliness. But a condition that affects the lives of half of our population at any given time, merits a conversation, not least to start the process of de-stigmatizing what is a natural part of the human condition.Â
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