We hear it every Monday, as Drag Race draws to a close. I hear it often from clients in therapy, queer and straight, the idea of self-love as a pre-requisite to love for others has slipped into the zeitgeist. For sure, there is much wisdom in this, after all our relationships with others are inherently bound up with the relationships we have with ourselves. That said, loving ourselves as a path to loving others is only half the picture. One of the most effective ways of developing self-love and deepening queer self-esteem is to recognize and receive love from others and to integrate that love into our self-image. In this blog, we'll delve into the interconnected nature of self-love and the importance of embracing the love that surrounds us.
The Foundation of Self-Love
Self-love is, without a doubt, one of the foundational pillars supporting how we relate to others. The work of most kinds of therapy encourages us to focus on our relationship with our own thoughts, our feelings, our pasts, and our patterns in order to make peace with these aspects of ourselves, and free ourselves of patterns that do not support us. Therapy is a journey of self-love, and self-love involves acknowledging and accepting all aspects of oneself, both the light and the shadow. However, the notion that self-love is solely an internal pursuit oversimplifies the complex dynamics of human connection.
Love, by its very nature, is reciprocal. It is energy that flows, a bit like an electricity current, between individuals, creating a dynamic exchange that nourishes both the giver and the receiver. By allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and open to receiving love, we create a harmonious loop that enhances our ability to love ourselves. Think of self-love as a mirror reflecting the love we receive from others. When we allow ourselves to accept love, kindness, and support from those around us, it acts as a powerful validation of our worthiness. This external validation can serve as a mirror, reflecting back to us the love that resides within. In this way, receiving love from others becomes a catalyst for reinforcing and deepening our own self-love.
While we humans are inherently social creatures, for some of us, the idea of receiving love can be more of a challenge than simply focusing on self-love. Past relationships, traumas, or societal expectations may have erected barriers that hinder the free flow of love into our lives. Learning to dismantle these barriers is an integral part of the self-love journey that can be worked on in therapy, or through self-help practices as well as open communication with trusted individuals can provide the tools and support needed to break down these emotional walls. As we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and accept love, we gradually chip away at the barriers that may have prevented us from experiencing the full spectrum of self-love.
Embracing vulnerability is a key aspect of both self-love and receiving love from others. Many clients I work with are interested in developing fulfilling and intimate relationships, and I’m often privileged to get to observe the connection between vulnerability and the ability to create an authentic connection that goes beyond surface-level interactions. I worked with a client during the pandemic, Ben, who had become completely disillusioned with hookup culture, and was surprised to find himself looking for a long-term partner. Much of our early work together involved exploring his anxieties around how he was perceived, and his reluctance to trust others after having been let down in early relationships. The turning point arrived for him when he realized that being honest with himself and others about his fears and awkwardness, when coupled with his true personality and goofy sense of humor, transformed how potential partners interacted with him, his vulnerability gave permission to others to be their true selves. His barrier became his superpower.
Being vulnerable is a practice that is learned over time. It takes patience to acknowledge our imperfections, fears, and insecurities, and to be willing to share them with those we trust, and even risk rejection. This authenticity, in turn, strengthens our sense of self-love. By receiving love in moments of vulnerability, we learn that we are worthy of love not just despite our flaws but because of them.
Conclusion
While Ru’s mantra "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?" highlights the importance of self-love, learning to love ourselves is a dynamic interplay between internal and external forces, with receiving love from others playing a pivotal role. By embracing vulnerability, breaking down barriers, and allowing ourselves to receive love, we create a reciprocal relationship that strengthens both our internal and external worlds. It is a classic ‘yes and’ situation, investing in self-love empowers us to seek out and invest in relationships with others and to be open to receiving that love. In this interconnected dance, we discover that the path to self-love is not a solitary one but a harmonious journey enriched by the love we give and receive.
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