You have heard it said that we can’t change the past, but we can forgive ourselves in order to create a better future. Sounds great, but how do we achieve that, exactly?
Why is it so hard to cut ourselves some slack, to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt with the same measure of goodwill we afford others? I used to run group counseling sessions in a community clinic for recovering addicts who had faced more than their fair share of life’s challenges and bravely confronted any thorny issue around recovery. One topic that always provoked an uncharacteristic silence was around self-forgiveness, the participants would look at the floor, shifting uneasily in their chairs. Long story short, turns out the group members felt uneasy about self-forgiveness because this life skill had never been taught to them. I realized that this is a life skill most of us aren't taught, and so I started to explore a simple and accessible framework that we can use by ourselves or in therapy to walk the walk around self-forgiveness. Start by imagining how much better your life would be if you could fully release the judgments you hold against yourself?
What is Self-Forgiveness
To kick off, let’s define our terms. What is self-forgiveness? To adapt a simple definition from the Enright psychological model of forgiveness, self-forgiveness is forgoing resentment towards ourselves, and deciding instead to offer ourselves gifts of mercy, generosity, and self-love, even if we believe we do not deserve it. So we can see that the process involves letting go of or releasing a grudge we hold against ourselves, even if we are unsure that we are worthy of that release.
That is a pretty big and lofty ideal, a useful way to get started is become curious and ask ourselves what steps we can take within our control to let go of the resentment we hold towards ourselves. While the paths towards self-forgiveness can be as unique as the persons following them, I have found that the Enright model, which identifies the four distinct steps or phases we can work through to get to this end point, gives us a practical roadmap for the journey. The steps are:
The Uncovering Phase
This involves deepening our understanding about ‘the offense’ that requires self-forgiveness, how it has negatively impacted our life and the lives of those around us. A critical question here is whether there is, in fact, anything that even merits self-forgiveness in the first place. Our minds notoriously distort and exaggerate our role in relationships, particularly in our youth, and we all tend to overemphasize our role in events that are outside of our control. You are not responsible for your mother’s anxiety or your father’s narcissism, despite what your mind tricks you into believing.
That said, if we there is an ‘offence’ worthy of self-forgiveness, the Uncovering phase involves reflecting on and understanding the consequences of the actions. Say, for example, we are working with a recovering alcoholic who is processing his behavior as a parent while using. The initial stages of this work will likely involve reflecting on the impact of this illness on his family and friends, and perhaps working through emotions like grief, shame and guilt as the impact of their actions fall to be understood through the eyes of loved ones. As the Uncovering phase continues, the work may become focused on both taking accountability for what happened, while also developing the belief that he is still worthy of both self-love and of love from family.
The Uncovering phase may also involve identifying and relinquishing some roles that the offender plays related to the offence, especially the masochist who believes that self-punishment is just. Complex family dynamics might also require special attention here, as families can distort or exaggerate the impact of an offence.
The Decision Phase
In the Decision Phase, we now understand the impact and context of our actions, and we make a clear decision to commit to self-forgiving. At this point, we come to realize that self-forgiveness is a real option, and we develop our understanding that self-forgiveness can free us from further suffering, from repeating old patterns and can enable us to create a better future.
Self-forgiveness arises mostly from our relationship with ourselves, so our values and self-image play a big part in how we make progress. I worked recently with a professional man who had hurt his partner by pursuing an emotional connection with another woman. Once this client recognized that his actions were extremely hurtful to his partner, he got caught up in his own need to be punished for his role in the emotional affair, despite his partner’s desire to move on. It took time and reflection around the hurt he was continuing to impose on himself and his partner before he was able to truly make the decision to self-forgive and move on.
The Work Phase
The Work Phase involves putting in the effort of self-forgiveness. In this phase, a person gains deeper knowledge of themselves, their humanity, their vulnerabilities, and strengths, resulting in a deeper self-image, and the co-existence of strengths and shortcomings. Some of the work in this phase includes reframing how we see ourselves, understanding that we are not defined by the offence, developing our understanding of the context of the offence, understanding that we have real choice in how we view the situation, and that our talents and our failings can peacefully co-exist. The work here is focused on developing a more nuanced, human self-image, about thinking differently about self and others, including understanding the context and drivers behind one’s actions. This part of the journey demands patience and perseverance through setbacks.
The Deepening Phase
Finally, in the Deepening Phase, a person finds increasing meaning in their experiences, develops a deeper perspective of their journey, feels deeper connections with others, a sense of the commonalities of humanity and may experience a renewed or altered sense of meaning and purpose in life. The deepening phase may involve steps such as those popularized in twelve step programs, including taking accountability, outreach to others, exploring atonement or righting the wrong, and surrendering judgement of self to another concept or entity (e.g., to a higher power or a deeper self).
Conclusion
The above steps offer us an incremental journey with the ultimate goals of creating and deepening trust and confidence in oneself, limiting negative self-talk, and forgoing or limiting resentment against oneself. As with any journey of emotional processing, the steps are not linear, and may involve regression, encountering blockages and recycling back and forth through various stages along the way.
There are a couple of potential derailers with this process that are worth mentioning. Firstly, the concept of forgiveness is central to most religions, however these frameworks underemphasize or ignore the emotional processes that underpin self-forgiveness and present a ‘just do it’ approach. This rush to an end point creates risks of not adequately processing, or even denying, all of the emotions that come up along the way.
Secondly, there is a reasonable likelihood that a person may get stuck at any one phase of the process, at least for a while. For example, our hypothetical recovering alcoholic may never fully self-forgive his history of neglecting his children, but the work done in the Uncovering phase may well lead to a deepened sense of accountability, or a conviction to make amends, or pay it forward through his future behavior towards his family or community. In some respects, the journey is it's own reward.
Finally, the work of self-forgiveness is a long and winding road, so grit and perseverance are necessary virtues. These several factors serve to highlight the value of staying focused on how far we have come in this process, rather than pushing towards a programmatic end point. Small victories and advancements along this winding path are best acknowledged and celebrated.
See generally Robert Enright, Forgiveness is a Choice (Washington: APA, 2001);
Robert Enright & Richard Fitzgibbons, Helping Clients Forgive (Washington: APA, 2000);
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