A common prompt that pushes mature adults into psychotherapy is a vague feeling of disappointment that sometimes follows the achievement of our goals and ambitions. A sense of confusion often follows after we have dedicated ourselves to a goal, like pursuing a career, a skill or delivering our children safely to adulthood. These questions around purpose and meaning are intensely personal and speak to the core of what motivates us. This post summarizes three core questions we confront when we are exploring how to maintain or restore our energy and passion for life.
To get started, let’s first define the terms meaning and purpose. In the context of mental health, meaning refers to the significance we find in our own unique existence, and it usually arises in variations of the question ‘why am I here?’ Purpose, on the other hand, is the driving force that propels us forward, providing direction and motivation in life. Our sense of these concepts changes throughout our lives, from striving to create a career, a family, a reputation earlier in life, to broader questions around what is behind the curtain that often present later on. As a therapist working in this space, I bring no view on how these questions should be answered, but I do believe an examination of these questions is worthy of our time and attention for the practical reason that it can bring us deeper fulfilment and contentment, and can help us to course correct when needed.
The work here involves looking inwards for answers around our values, priorities, and our deepest sense of mission. While the path is highly personal, it is pretty simple to start the process of reflection, and here are three essential questions to get us started:
1. What brings you meaning in your life?
This question prompts us to reflect on the purpose, values, and the significance we ascribe to our existence. Existential therapists help clients navigate this question by encouraging them to consider their personal narratives, what has been meaningful in the past and how this has changed over time. Part of the work here is to figure out our personal values, and then to take steps to align how we live with those values. For example, I worked with a client who had a successful litigation career of which he was proud and around which he was passionate, despite suffering burn out from overwork. His values, on the other hand, had increasingly pivoted to having healthy relationships with his spouse, and with friends and colleagues. So a large focus of our work became how to continue to balance both his career (in a kill or be killed culture) with his desire to bring integrity to all of his personal and professional relationships.
2. If tomorrow was your last day on earth (or, if that's a bit intense, 'the last day of your career' works here too...), what would be most important to you?
This one is all about acknowledging that loss and change are inescapable facts of life. Exploring what this means for each of us gives valuable insights into how we set our priorities, and it helps us distinguish between what is urgent in our lives today (the deadlines, drop-offs, presentations etc) vs what is important in our lives when we pull back the lens (usually intimate relationships are in the mix). One of the benefits of reflecting on this question is the sense of release that comes from recognizing what is unimportant in our lives and freeing ourselves from any hold on it. For example, if you find yourself sucked into patterns of disputes or misunderstandings with siblings or colleagues that serve no useful purpose to you, this examination can provide a useful means to exit that pattern.
3. How do you balance your sense of freedom and responsibility?
This question prompts us to look at the choices we make in the context of our inherent freedoms regarding how we live on the one hand, and the responsibility we assume for ourselves and others. Clients explore the impact of their decisions on their sense of agency and autonomy, considering whether they are living authentically. If, say, you are a people pleaser who tends to strive to do your level best to provide the best life for your family, to be there for your friends and business associates, you may be emphasizing responsibility over freedom. The work here involves balancing, or at least becoming more conscious about, how we balance freedom and responsibility. A good way to start here is to become curious about what we would do if we felt empowered to embrace whichever end of the spectrum we shy away from. So, for example, if you are a hardworking, conscientious, responsible striver, what would it feel like if you had more freedom to make choices, what would you do differently? If, as is often the case, we initially feel we don’t have any freedom, the work involves examining that belief to see where we feel trapped.
Ultimately, we are all responsible for creating our own meaning and shaping our destinies through the choices we make. By fostering a sense of personal responsibility for our lives, and by practicing the imperfect art of balancing how we invest our energy with what we value in life, we can make significant progress on the journey towards fulfillment. A word of caution though, this work is a marathon, not a sprint.
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